Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
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#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house