[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
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Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.