Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
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Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable