me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
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Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later