If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
You Might Also Like
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.