Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
If you’re testing me, we failed.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Okay
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight