Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
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Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point