I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
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[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
this is the best day of my life
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!