date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
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Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
my professor scared me for a second
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.