The lion king: 馃幎it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
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Me recordaron 茅ste meme
It鈥檚 like we鈥檙e living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here鈥檚 a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 馃檨
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
If I鈥檓 so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.