The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
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HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.