Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
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My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking