I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
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Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.