A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
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I am having an out of money experience.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Oops I deleted….
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Thursday
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.