Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
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If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…