*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
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The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are