If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
That’s enough internet for the day
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
#Caturday
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.