If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
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Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
sensitive skin
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Bless you
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”