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It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.