There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
We’ve come full circle
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
CUTE CAT‼︎
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.