I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
man: wait
time: no
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.