At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
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Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”