Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.