Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
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Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA