Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
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[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes