me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
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…żyje?
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*