“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
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This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.