[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.