[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
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We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
buys donuts instead
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran