I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
i’m sure it’s fine
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her