I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
When can I start eating bats again.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD