I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
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Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me