How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.