clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads