is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.