Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Moms. The original autocorrect.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening