My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
You Might Also Like
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
What the dentist sees
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.