*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.