In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
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I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website