*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My dad is at it again
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!