I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Festive toon…
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party