7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone