Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
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me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Danger is very dangerous
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Ah yes. The three genders
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”