Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
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Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too