Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?