Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
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Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I’m good, thanks.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
My neck, my back, my…
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.