Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
New tinder profile pic
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants