GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
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*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Eggs benadryl my favourite
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi