I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
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If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.