I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan